Week 4 College Football Bottom 10 – Defense is a losing cause in Carolina

Inspirational Thought of the Week:

Why do you have to be so inevitable?
You are everywhere
Why must you be so unavailable?
It’s like you’re under my skin
Why did I let you in?
You cannot act because you do not exist
When you are naturally so inevitable
inevitable

— “Inevitable,” Melina KB

Here at Bottom 10 headquarters, located in the medical tent where the triage unit waits every Saturday to mend sprained ankles and bruised egos after Pat McAfee’s guest kickers are humiliated on “College GameDay,” we know a bit about awkward football moments.

For example, on Saturday night at Williams-Brice Stadium in Columbia, South Carolina, own Super Bummer placekicking moment against LSU (too early?), I was scaling the grandstand stairs to surprise my relatives at GameCox’s annual Family Weekend, when suddenly someone yelled, ” It’s him!”

It wasn’t a tone of, “Hey, it’s him! Ryan McGee, ‘Marty & McGee,’ our favorite TV show!” No, it was more angry, like, “Hey, it’s him! Catch him and throw him in the Congaree River while everyone is distracted by the ‘sandstorm’!”

I looked to my right and realized, oh snap, er, I mean, oh zip, it was an entire section of fans dressed in blue and gold, decorated with stylized block A’s and Z’s. Sitting right in the corridor was a distinguished senior couple. They stood up, Clark Griswold’s in-laws staring angrily at his boss on Christmas Eve.

“Acromonius?” The man told me, heat in his eyes. “Really?”

“Um…,” I trailed off. “It’s all in the name of good fun. Imagine how good it will be when you turn the corner and bring back the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl!”

Suddenly, those eyes softened and Old Man Zip smiled. “Relax, kid, we’re not turning that corner tonight,” he said.

Then he pointed to the scoreboard. It was 36-7, home team.

my # 10 below The dedication is immeasurable. On Saturday I drove from Marty & McGee in Baton Rouge to Columbia, SC so I could scout the Jeeps in person. New polling on Wednesday. pic.twitter.com/ptPsgVfUng

— Ryan McGee (@ESPNMcGee) September 24, 2024

With apologies to Jason Taylor, Dwight Smith, former Akron head coach John Heisman and Steve Harvey, here are the post-Week 4 Bottom 10 rankings.

Meanwhile, Akron’s arch-nemesis traveled to Not So Happy Valley for a 56-0 loss to Penn State. It was the third loss at the isotoner-gloved hands of a Power 4 school, falling to Pitt, Tennessee and the Nittany Lions by a combined score of 182-24. Good news? It pocketed $3.9 million for those games. The bad news? The Golden Flashes spent $350,000 in a 23-17 loss to the Red Flashes of St. Francis.

The Owls faced off against the Fightin’ Byes at Open Date U, but at their off-week brunch, they ran out of jelly and thus failed to even spread an English muffin.

The Minors, coming off a 27-17 loss at Colorado State, will now face U.S. Open Day. Looking ahead to their Week 6 game against Sam Houston, according to this email I got back from ESPN Analytics… I need to stop bothering them.

The Cowboys had just lost 44-17 to the North Texas Mean Green, whose mascot is a green eagle named Scrappy. Now they face the Air Force, whose mascot is a blue falcon simply named The Bird. If they lose to 1-2 Air Force at home in Laramie, next will be facing the feathered devil that always stalks any dehydrated cowboy lost on the plains.

5. Old Northern States

Appalachian State, NC State and North Carolina surrendered a combined 177 points, losing by scores of 48-14, 59-35 and 70-50 against South Alabama, Clemson and James Madison. It is the most inexplicable absence for a group of North Carolinians since the Lost Colony.

Forget Georgia-Bama because we have the first pillow fight of Century Week, the Rio Grande rivalry, aka the Battle of I-25, aka the El-Obos vs. The Who Mexico State other Aggies, who are 1- 3. These teams dislike each other so much that the last A video surfaced in the fall showing then-New Mexico State QB Diego Paiva urinating on the Lobos logo on UNM’s practice field. Now Paiva is behind center at Vanderbilt, the only place one can pee on the field because the stadium around it is still being rebuilt.

After witnessing the Zips in person and seeing how they pushed South Carolina in the second half, I’m reluctant to put them in this ranking. But like that photo of my ex-girlfriend that I keep pulling out of the trash after my wife throws it out again, or my DVD of “From Justin to Kelly,” I can’t rid myself of.

The Minutemen defeated Central Connecticut State, an FCS school in the Northeast Conference that came into the contest with a 2-1 record. A week ago, the Blue Devils picked up that second win by beating St. Francis, whose only win we told you about earlier was against Kent State and who just lost to Eastern Michigan, who opened their season 3-1 with a win over… Massachusetts. And now EMU faces… Kent State. It’s like a Christopher Nolan movie, but only if the script is written by an AI machine that only spills a fifth of Sam’s Choice Cola.

Charlotte backed up its only win of the season in a 52-14 loss to Indiana. That win came two weeks ago when the 49ers came back from 17 down to beat Gardner-Webb to 1. This came one week after a 38-20 loss to UNC and two weeks after a 30-7 loss to James Madison. Meanwhile, James Madison also barely beat Gardner-Webb the week after beating Charlotte, winning with a last-minute goal-line stand, but then went to UNC and beat the Tar of the Hills with 70 points and 611 yards of offense. So, what if UNC plays Gardner-Webb?!

Nothing says, “We’re ready for the Pac-12!” Temple of Doom, 45-29 was the sixth worst team in the nation at the time. Then again, with the way the rebuild seems to be working now, Temple and Utah State will soon square off in the Pac-12 championship game.

Waiting list: Temple of Doom, Florey-Duh State Semi-No’s, FI(not A)U, FA(not I)U, Southern Missed, The Return of the Nehawks, Molded Tennessee State, Troy Bolton State, Hail Mary Defense.